How many times did you fantasize about getting kinky in the bedroom by stepping into BDSM? Too many? Do not worry because you are not alone! The enormous success of EL. James’s novel Fifty Shades of Grey proves many find it appealing. What is holding you back from trying could be a dark representation. Critics claim BDSM is anti-woman and humiliating. They are connecting it with slavery. But these portrayals are wrong. The history of BDSM is revolutionary and packed with powerful women and men. It is a lifestyle that does not follow society but setting up its own rules. So, if you want, grab a collar, do not bother about what others think. We will take you on a short journey of learning about yourself. But, also on a trip of fulfilling your sexual fantasies!

What is BDSM?

BDSM is a term that describes some aspects of sex that we could divide into these main groups: bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism, and masochism. Usually, people consider it kinky. It is cause many are reaching their sexual fantasies through it. But in some cases, it does not involve sex.

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What are bondage and discipline in BDSM?

Sexual bondage means whipping or spanking during a sexual act. There is a potential physical danger, so partners should pick a signal or a safe word. And then, they should use it when the erotic activity passes the enjoyable limits.

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What are domination and submission in BDSM?

In domination and submission actions, one person dominates the other. Or has control over them. So they use a power dynamic to be aroused. In some way, power and sex are anyway mixed. But this is in more profound measures. The control goes above physical sensation.

What is sadism in BDSM?

Sadomasochism includes hurting or humiliating a partner for sexual pleasure. It is a medical/psychological condition.  While it could be part of BDSM, it is not always its aspect. Thus we could not entirely relate it with BDSM.

What is masochism in BDSM?

Masochism is the satisfaction in pain and humiliation. Usually, people connect it with sexual masochism, but it does not have to be sexual. In BDSM, it differs from acts of sexual violence or aggression without permission. In this case, the other person agrees on it.

The history of BDMS

The origin of BDSM comes from Mesopotamia. In that era, gods and monsters were ruling over human cases. One of the legends says that goddess Inanna urged her followers to dance with her. As they were dancing, Innana whipped them into sexual excitement. The following sexual intercourses brought both pleasure and the continuation of Mesopotamia. Yet, moans and pleasures could not save the city. Also, destroying Mesopotamia did not end BDSM. A new movement has just begun.

Another historical trace of BDSM involves Ancient Greece. In Sparta, there was room for sexual pleasure. Back then, they were linking truth and sex. So it was about learning.

Now, speaking about sadism, it is related to Marquis de Sade. He was a French philosopher famous for his violent sexual practices with his lover. In the late 1700s, The Marquis De Sade published 120 Days of Sodom. His writings changed the view of erotica. Sade was describing sex with chains, blood, and criminal acts. For all this, he spent most of his life in a mental institution. But, his work entered many into the world of BDSM.

For the term masochism, we could thank Sacher-Masoch. He was writing about a dominant woman and man who wants to be her slave. But, also, he was living this lifestyle with his wife.
And the acronym BDSM dates from the mid 20th century. The creator is Dr. Robert V. Bienvenu, Ph.D. He was researching the origins of sadomasochism and fetishism. And he studies lead him to two writers, Marquis de Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch.

Also, the 20 century is when BDSM came out of the closet. After World War I, Germans had an urge for life. Out of frustration, they were creating clubs to have a place to express their sexuality. And yes, Hitler closed those clubs. But he did not destroy sexual freedom, just made it go underground. All this is described in the books of the author Christopher Isherwood, who lived in Berlin back then.

In the 1940s and 1950s were famous American sex magazines. These magazines and photographs of John Willieare the reasons for the modern look of BDSM: the leather, high-heeled shoes, and the ropes.

Women portrayed in Bizarre wore high-heeled leather shoes and had tied hands. One of the most famous Bizarre models was Bettie Page. The sexual revolution from 1960 happened because of this powerful woman with a pretty smile. She inspired many generations to be open with their sexuality. And that is regardless if they are submissive or dominative. For sure, BDSM broke free from the underground as an artistic movement.

BDSM in music

Remember when MTV was super popular, and we were waiting to see them playing music videos? If you do, do you remember the videos of Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, and Rammstein? These artists used BDSM for their look! I mean, look at Marilyn Manson and his corsets. Or Trent Reznor screaming Closer? Do we even have to speak about the lyrics of Rammstein?

Nowadays, some people still question the mental state of those who are part of BDSM. And even their families’ backgrounds! But, is there a right way to express sex, gender, and sexuality? The existences of BDSM practice show the fluidity of both gender and sexuality.

How Many People Practice BDSM?

So, you wish to dominate over someone sexually, and you wonder if you are alone. Not at all! It turns out that 47 percent of women and 60 percent of men have fantasized about dominating someone sexually. And a bit less of them want to be submissive. This study is published on March 3, 2016, in The Journal of Sex Research. The same publication claims that 33.9 percent of people done BDSM at least once in their life.

What I find interesting is that if you Google BDSM, you will get more than 500 million results. Let us compare! The phase missionary sex has about 163 million returns.

Is BDSM Still Considered a Medical Disorder?

BDSM was never officially declared as a mental disorder. Still, many mental health experts were questioning if the practitioners of BDSM are mentally healthy. In 2013, the American Psychiatric Association made an important step. They made a line between BDSM which is a volunteering activity, and those who behave without consent. Thanks to this study, BDMS is no longer associated with something that needs clinical intervention.

Yes, there are sexual disorders that remind people of BDSM. But there is a crucial difference! BDSM does not cause significant discomfort or pain to others. And sexual masochism disorder or sexual sadism disorder does.

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The Psychology: Why Are Humans Attracted to This Movement?

Even after reading all this, you might still be asking is it normal to be interested in BDSM? But let us take a pause here. What is the meaning of normal? Is it normative something that many people are doing? If yes, then sure, it normal to be interested in BDSM. Or does natural mean ordinary? Then still, BDSM is normal because it is full of ordinary people.

There is a study on this published in 2008 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. They claimed that people are in BDSM are more likely to have oral sex or anal sex. Also, they are likely to have more than one partner. Plus, they are prone to phone sex, visiting internet sex sites, using sex toys, etc. So, we can assume that people who are into BDSM are freer to explore their sexual fantasies. But this is not all! The same study claims that they are happier and less anxious. Imagine this: you want to be spanked, but you are afraid to say it and sound like a lunatic. People who are not afraid to say aloud what they want are less stressed.

People enjoying BDSM are those who have thought a lot about their sexuality. They have explored their sexual boundaries and know what they like and what they do not. So, that must have a positive effect on their beings!
And those who are into roleplaying are playing a new role every day. Through that, they lived many lives and not just one. If they are happy with that, how could we say it is abnormal?

Why Does BDSM Physically Feel Good?

Could you take a moment to think of athletes going over their physical comfort to win some goal? Or at those people who are risking their lives for the thrill that extreme sports are bringing them? Okay, you might not be into any of this, so you cannot understand enough. Thus, think of yourself as you are putting a hot pepper into your mouth. You know it will burn your throat, but you like that sensation, so you are doing it anyway.  What about when you watch a horror movie? You know your heartbeats will go crazy, and you even find it enjoyable. There is a reason why you enjoy all of this. It is a chemical cocktail of endorphins, dopamine, and other hormones in the human body. Those same hormones are making BDSM pleasurable.

Roleplaying and BDSM: The Variety Is Endless

Sexual role-play involves two or more people who act out a particular scene. As you prefer, you could do it personally or virtually via chat room. It does not matter if you want to imagine or wear a costume. Everything is doable! But, as a part of BDSM, usually, it includes one person who is dominant over another. There is no limit to characters. But the most popular are doctor or nurse and patient, teacher and student, boss and employee, etc.

The Importance of Communication and Using Safe Words

Lovers who try BDSM should talk first and agree on a safe word. If one of them says it, the other should stop right away. It does not matter what the word will be. It could be an apple, for example. Be sure to remember it and to respond by stopping as soon as you hear it. When you stop, you should speak about what happened so that you could resolve the situation. Never be angry at your partner for making you stop, even if you were close to orgasm! No one should suffer in this. Plus, you do not wish your partner is afraid to tell you how they feel the next time!

Another great system is The traffic light. Each color is showing how you or your partner feel and what you desire. Red means stop immediately. Yellow is suggesting you slow down. And green means that your partner is making you feel good, and you want them to continue doing the same.

Safe and Risk-Aware Kink: How to Try It Safely at Home

Talk, talk, and more talk! Make sure your lover understands you, and then understand them. Ask them questions before you try anything. Also, answer anything they may ask you. It is easy to set boundaries through conversation. How dangerous is that what you are planning to do? Could you hurt yourself in the process? You both must be aware of the risk. Also, do not do it if it is not your sexual fantasy, only to please someone else. BDSM is about following your wildness. And remember that being submissive does not mean you should be unhappy!

Is BDSM legal?

The answer on whatever BDSM is legal or not varies from if you hurt someone. If you cut someone, for example, you will be prosecuted for an assault. In most countries, harming another individual is a crime, no matter if they consent to it.

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BDSM sex toys and accessories

When you try BDSM for the first time, you and your partner should leave out accessories and focus on each other. Even if you love to lead in sex, it takes time to get used to a role as a dominant. But after, you should, for sure, check sex toys and accessories. There are so many fun products to choose from that it would be a pity not to check them out!

Blindfolds and Handcuffs

The most common accessories are blindfolds and handcuffs. Interruption of sight and movement make other sensations more inflamed. For newbies, a simple bondage kit is always an excellent recommendation.

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Hoods

Did you consider hoods? There are several types! For example, bondage hoods are for covering the head of the submissive. And isolation hoods are blocking the sounds from the outside world.

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Neck Gear

The aesthetical signification of ownership is crucial in BDMS! There are several kinds of neck gear. Collars are part of the outfit for submissives. Still, if you decide to wear it, put your safety first! Do not let it choke you, but be able to put your finger between the collar and your throat! And if you are in a committed relationship, take a choker instead!

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Gags

Gags are for those who fancy oral fixations. Plus, for those who enjoy taking off the power for verbal communication. As there is no way to say a safe word, you must have a nonverbal one!

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Clamps

Clamps are pinching the skin to stop movement and creating a squeezing sensation. Different sorts of these toys are for other body parts. They could be for the nipple, genitals, or nose.

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Spreader bars

You know how sexy it is to hold your legs behind your head during missionary. But, it is not so easy! Do not worry because this toy is doing the work for you! It will spread your legs, hold them and expose your genitals!

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Anal hook

Ever tried butt plugs? Yes? Well, this is something similar. But it does remind on hand of Captain Hook, too. A hook is staying outside of your body while the ball goes inside.

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Electric wands

Okay, if you love playing with electricity, this will be your new favorite thing! Depending on which part of your body is affected, it could create an intriguing pulse or very intense.

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The bottom line

BDSM and bondage toys can be a marvelous way to reach your greatest pleasure. But you must be aware of the risk! You do not need to love the way it hurts! And if you do not enjoy it, you must stop right away! But if you do like it, keep on going!

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